Tuesday, 1 November 2005

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye

So, police are too stupid to catch criminals according to our top boffins. Not so, say I! I believe it is not that the police are too stupid – rather criminals have become too smart to evade capture. If only clever police are recruited, the numbers will be to thin. So a new solution is required. But what? And how?

Well. I’ll tell you. I’ll fill you in. Drop you clues. Get you with the program. With the agenda. Up the chips. Shuffle the potatoes. Eat the craps. Mind the business.

The solution is this:

If the police have reached their maximum for intellectual thinkery, then I say we find a new sort of professional to fight crime. The police people can go back to being ordinary police people of yore, instead of the variety of police who prevent crime we know today. Instead we must look to the boffinhood of our society. Clearly, we need a class of crime fighter with a bit of nouse. And I know just the sort.

Nobel Laureates.

That’s right. Only Nobel prize winners could possibly have the intellogical knowhow needed to catch the ingenious felons of today – what with their high-tech boy racer-mobiles and newfangled spray cans. With people like Harold Pinter, Samuel Beckett, Winston Churchill, and their Nobel holding comrades tackling minor crimes then we can be assured that vandalism, teenage binge drinking, lighting fireworks after eleven hours post meridian and the illegal use of drugs in public places will be a thing of the past. I urge the thinky dinkers of government and the civil service bureaucrats and dogs to deeply consider my proposal. It will work. It has to work. It must work.

And I’ll take a Nobel prize for that slice of advice, thank you your righteous Maj. Good ole Lizzy 2, I always say. She knows which side her doner kebab’s buttered on and no mistake!