Saturday, 20 December 2008

The Ballad of Mary Morebroom

He was wanted in the Board Room

And that was all he knew

And so he arrived most promptly

At twenty-four minutes to two.


He strode up to the receptionist

(A woman with slight breasts)

Who shook her earringed head and said

"I'm sorry - first there's tests."


She grabbed the small man by the throat

And squeezed till he turned blue

And then she grabbed him by the scrote

And checked for one and two.


Sure enough he was replete

With testes by the score

For then she counted three, then six

And more and more and more


"Thirty-seven balls in all!"

The beaming man did holler

And kissed the woman on the lips

Which made her full of choler


For those lips were not upon her face

They were between her legs

Her thrush-battered vag is what he tastes

Plus the residue in her kegs.


Alas, the small man never found

His way into the Board Room

Instead the meeting was foregone

For the moists of Mary Morebroom


But Mary Morebroom was enraged

She tried to punish what he did

But failed to grab his arm, you see,

For the small man was a flid.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Listen 'Ear: The Chris Stokes Biography (Chapter One)

Chapter One:
Massive Ears
Christopher Stokes was born, in a hospital, with massive ears. His parents, Gary and 'Scrabble' Jan Stokes were offered a great deal of money for the film rights, but turned them down.
Christopher grew, with exception to his ears, which remained at the adult size (of an African Elephant) throughout his life. They were massive.
One of Stokes' early talents was self-depreciation, spreading the cost of his asset across the span of several years. This brought much humour to the playground and classroom, as Stokes would lampoon himself, flapping his ears, soaring up to twelve metres in the air and, ultimately, earning him the nickname 'Jodrell Bank'.
A lonesome child, Stokes spent much of his prepubescent youth in the company of a small weevil he nicknamed 'Dave'. The weevil grew, feeding off Stokes' playground success, and eventually devolved into David Harper.
For some years, they were the best of friends, out of necessity rather than choice. Stokes led an otherwise solitary existence near the A5.
Until one day...
His sister was born from the same womb by the same seed yet turned out wrong. It would be many years before the unnatural nature of the spawn was realised but this Satanic creature brought with her the opportunity that would give Christopher Stokes a real backbone. An opportunity to acquaint themselves with possibly the most important man in the history of the 20th and 21st Centuries respectively.
Dominic John Allen befriended the sister of Stokes and in so doing befriended Stokes himself. It was to be a friendship based on mutual distrust, repudiation and despair. But it was much better than having to talk to the weevil.
It was at this point in his life that Christopher fell in love. He fell in love with a small pebble, which he named 'Pebble'. She was glamorous, for sure, but she was a pebble.
Sex was torrid. Threading a pebble into the glans of his penis and subsequently removing it again was an agony that Christopher endured out of love. A sort of stupid, misplaced love that only someone of such collosal ignorance could be capable of.
With the development of his sexual organs, and the transition through puberty, Christopher became aware of his own worthlessness. He turned to drink. In one day, he could consume over twenty-seven litres of pomegranate juice or Dr. Pepper (tm). His early flourishing in the field of Scrabble (tm) was cut ruthlessly short by the efforts of his competitive mother: five time gold heavyweight Scrabble (tm) black belt shogun, the aptly named 'Scrabble Jan'.
Christopher began to despair that he would never find his true calling in life. His other friends had found them oh so well. Allen was the darling of church group theatre, Harper had found his place in the fast food industry. Stokes, it seemed, was doomed to a life of pebble aided masturbation and over consumption.
But all that was about to change...
[Stay tuned for Chapter 2]