So, total power invested in me by my people. Sounds good, yes? But, oy, the responsibility. When you’re not oppressing the Jews into building pyramids, you’re trying desperately to get a coherent agricultural policy off the ground. Irrigation, as my mother once said, is the key. Of course, she was on about her colon, but I thought, hey, why not give it a try on the Nile, and what do you know? It works!
That’s great, I think to my regal self, I’ve got a long term agricultural policy that, in turn, will develop my economy, allowing more money to be invested into oppressing the Jews and beating the rest of the world to building amazing architectural wonders. Until the Romans show up.
God damn Romans, they spoil everything with their broken bloody noses and their straight roads everywhere. And poor defenceless Egypt gets invaded. As if they have any right! So I rush to the Carthaginians, don’t I? But this guy, Hannibal, he don’t want to know. So I goes crying, cap in hand, to the Byzantines, and what do you know, this Byzantine broad’s on the Romans side. By Anubis, this woman’s a pain! So what do I do?
I tell you what I do! I get every man, woman and child a weapon and go over there and smash their damn countries into dust, and engulf their sorry borders into Egyptian rule.
Then it’s off to bed, only to get woken in the night by a downright social revolution. Turns out, the leading courtiers all want a piece of the Egyptian action. What’s a pharaoh to do, I ask myself, but let the people have what the people want? So I give them all a nice feudal society, and have all the first born children massacred. Easy peasy – I’m still in charge and everyone’s got more or less what they wanted. Back to bed for a lie in until eleven, then off to work, to teach those Carthaginian bastards that when Egypt asks for some help you God damn give it to ‘em!
Edinburgh Fringe 2013
5 years ago