Hypothetical Lecture Tour 1: An Address to the U.S. House of Representatives I Was Never Asked to Give and So Never Gave

As an outspoken spokesman for women's rights, a lot of people come to me asking why I'm not having an operation to adapt my gender. The reasons are manifest, much like your destiny here in the United States.

[Pause for laughter]

Indeed, many have said quite rabidly that I should really be a spokeswoman if I'm to accurately represent the plight of women sincerely to the public and, also, the private. Some have cited my record of domestic violence in the Guinness Book as argument against my status as a spokesman in this particular field. Others have preferred to list my myriad supposedly backwards looking approaches to taming the female such as my recent demand for female chastity belts forced on to all mini-ladies at the age of the first period. Or, as I prefer, full stop.

[Pause for laughter]

How refreshing it is then to come to a country where my ideas are not perceived so backwards as they are forwards. How refreshing it is then to come to a country where women are not married, but purchased. Not loved, but owned.

In my long career as a journalist, spokesmodel, author, actor, raconteur, celebrity chef, amphibian, deep sea diver, record breaker, athlete, arable land farmer, nudist, rapist, presenter and newscaster, I have had many wives, precious few of them of an ethnic persuasion. How refreshing it is then to come to a country where ethnics are not persuaded but are told.

[Pause for a mixture of laughter/moderate patriotic applause]

That is why I implore you now, with dismay in my voice and socks in my shoes, to rise up in your offices, stir yourselves among the public and drum up support for McCain. Too long has the rest of the world feared a non-Anglo Saxon reaching the presidential seat. At least with McCain we choose the lesser of two evils, with his Celtic bones and Gaelic eyes. At least with McCain our children will be safe from international paedophiles - you may think you will never fall victim to such a one as them. But you are wrong.

You may think you are too old. You are not flavoursome enough for them. But you are wrong. You may think they would prefer to prey on your children and your children's children. But you are wrong. They will come in the night. They will snatch you and your children through their bedroom windows, plying you with snozzcumbers, and the JFK is no longer here to give you nice dreams.

[Pause for earnest applause]

But there is still hope! These megalithic paedophiles and bar-burning women do not herald the end of the civilised West on their silken trumpets - far from it. They herald a warning. A warning to us all. The time has come to you as politicians to no longer be men of words, word man, but men of action - action man. Beat the women back into the pantry. Burn the paedophiles in a laboratory crucible back down to their correct size through the precipitation of their water content. Lead your people into a golden age of rampant, mindless, thoughtless, breathless, headless, useless xenophobia and money-grabbing oil-sipping. In the name of God the father, son and holy goat, Vote McCain.

For a superior chip.

[Pause for fervent applause. Some whistling. Approx 7 mins]

Thank you.

[Exit podium to your right. Smile at the camera left and forwards. Exit via nearest door. Not broom cupboard on immediate right.]